the glass isn't half full - it's completely full!

i had a really great thought on my way home from work tonight.

i thought about what a great second half of the year it's been.

and then it hit me - i've actually had a pretty good whole year...

i know there's a few weeks left, but i've not felt this way before about any year in particular...

• i got myself out of a dead end job
• i got into another dead end job and managed to claw out of that one too!
• i got to see relatives in portugal for my grandmother's 100th birthday celebrations
• i finally felt like i was a part of the family, even if it was for a short time
• i've made some great new friends
• i've fallen in love - many times, with many people and many things
• i found my place in society
• i found my purpose in life
• i have a wonderful, truly wonderful, job at the moment with the best boss i could have ever asked for
• i was taught to take control of things if they were getting out of hand
• i learned about my sleep apnea, and now i stay awake while driving, day or night!
• i reminded myself why i love music
• i started one of many blogs!
• i started the process of coming down off my antidepressants
• i am slowly coming back to financial self sufficiency - i haven't had to ask my parents for help in months!
• i am just a tippy toe away from cracking into a career that i believe will see me through to retirement
• i have retained most of my great friendships
• i continued to show support and care for those around me who i feel need help from me
• i treated myself to a new mobile phone
• i got to fly on an A380 (at long fucking last! and 4 of them no less!!!)
• i'm a lot more honest with myself than i have ever been in my whole life
• i'm finally exploring and learning about the darker and kinkier side of my life that i've dreamed of - some of which i have dreamed since i was a very young kid.....
• i finally progressed the landscaping with the recent addition of a half decent patch in the front yard!!

the thing that i'm absolutely amazed and impressed with, is how things are going on the right track, i no longer feel i'm fighting a losing battle, the things i am focussing my energy on is finally working out the way i want it to, i'm getting rewarded for my efforts, and i bloody well deserve em!

and like i said before, there's still a few weeks of the year left to go! and they're gonna be adding to the fun and excitement that is my existence!

thanks for reading and sticking around - you guys rock!

suck it up princess!

i had the best of best times while i was away last week.

of course now it's the inevitable 'come down' as i return to regular programming here on earth.

i suppose it's just normal that i would be feeling far away and alone after spending 10 days surrounded with great people.

so motivation levels aren't very high at the moment, and my twisting gut pains didn't help that either - feeling better today though, they are still lingering around me but the buscopan and peppermint teas are helping my guts to settle the fuck down.....

so doing some work from home again today while i rest up which should help me get through it as well...

in the mean time, my brain will go walkabout unless i get my shit together and just get on with it.

i know who i am. i know what my purpose is. i know what i am capable of.

there's also a potential job on the horizon, once again - train driving is back on the cards as i've been called up for an assessment next week - i thought that was finished and buried after the last talk i had with them after brent sacked me.

"i am strong, i am able, i spill milk on your table, then i cry like a baby, just to see if you'll save me"

i should really stop thinking that "am i getting through parts 1+2" is a song that reflects who i am - because i'm not that anymore. i am strong and i am able - it ends there.

assertiveness is the new king and i intend on using it to the best of my ability. because there is nothing to stop me from giving it a go.

i went to the city yesterday afternoon to visit the doctor about my gut pain.

it was an amazing feeling walking with my head held high and looking the world dead straight in the face. made me feel confident. i need to do more of that.

and then when i realised i was walking in the complete wrong direction (LOL), i didn't let it drag me down and drop my head to look at the ground, i simply turned and walked into the direction i should have been going.

the foreseeable future looks awesome for me, and i am going to, and am, working damn hard towards getting that life that i want to lead and be led by.

so calm the fuck down, suck it up, get over the crap and get on with it!

enough soul searching, i've found it.

enough whinging, it's a waste of time.

enough self-pity, nobody wants to hear it, certainly not even me.

i know what my purpose in life is - so i'm going to be present in the moment and live it to the best of my capabilities.

and my capabilities stretch far and wide.

i'll be using them from now on.

death is just as much a part of life, as life itself.....

today was meant to be such a great day.

i suppose when i think about it, it really was good for the most part.

woke up about 6.30am after my brain started waking up about an hour beforehand..... got started on work for the day.

it was a nice feeling doing work from home, even starting the day in bed checking emails and writing to a builder and a supplier about a couple of jobs i've been quoting up.....

all up it was an extra 6.5 hours that i can claim in next week's invoice, and i'm working monday to thursday next week so that should give me a boost as well...

never mind the ever growing amount of tax i still need to pay lol i'll catch up at some stage

finished a couple of quotes and a bundle of cad shop drawings about 2.30pm.... then had a snooze on the couch for about an hour...

then i called the bacchus marsh mower shop to see if my mower was anywhere near ready for collection but they are waiting on a part to come in, in the mean time they will look for a second hand part that might come up a bit quicker and possibly might get it tomorrow, otherwise it'd be ready on monday for pickup he said... all good...

fired up the bbq and put in a couple of snags, some meat ball things, onions and sliced potatoes.... a fairly decent whack of food for dinner.....

then went out to start watering the gardens as i hadn't watered since monday and it's been warm these last couple of days.... lots of things sprouting, seedlings of broccoli, spring onion, tomato, lettuce, and shoots of things of what i planted straight into the ground like radish, corn, peas, potatoes..... broad beans are starting to form on the biggest of the broad bean seeds i planted.....

and then i looked over to the chook yard and Tails was sitting on the ground under the pergola shelter bit, sorta looked like she was a bit exhausted from heat and was having a dirt bath, so i sprayed a bit of water in her direction, and she didn't move. instantly i knew something was wrong.

given that i've had her almost 2 years, one thing she could never do was trust me to get close to her. i walked over to crouch in front of her on the other side of the chook fence and she didn't move, so i had to see what was happening.

i opened the gate and crawled in, by which stage Black started to get a bit worried and ran into the chook shed... i crawled over to Tails, and i could see straight away that she was not in a good way... i could pick her up and she didn't flinch. few flies were hanging around her backside.... i turned her over a bit and her back side was quite dark and damp....

had to get her out of there onto just a grassed area where it was a bit softer than the ground she was sitting in.....

so i crawled out of there and placed her on a cushy bit of grass and went to get a tray and filled with water in case she was dehydrated...

by this stage jake called me back after i called a few times with no answer - i figured he'd know best what i should do...

i had a look under the feathers on her backside where it was damp and dark and found little white crawlies - mites/lice or something like that....

suggested i get some mite powder onto her whole body but i finished it off a while ago and it was far too late to go down to crossroads shop and get another container.....

nothing more i could do at that point, and i could see she was just going downhill...

so i got off the phone cause i knew what was coming and i didn't want to be on the phone when it happened...

i just sat with her in a position where the shadow of my body was shading her from the sunlight... then just patted her and stroked her feathers, like i always wanted to do but was never able to for the whole time i had her..... i just talked to her, remembering when i first went to catch her with melton paul when the big rooster smacked me hard in the nose when i grabbed her from running past me - she must've been his favourite.

and then thinking about when i first came up with her name after admiring her tail, big, white, bold - like the tail of an a380 standing proud into the sky.

and then i apologised to her for not taking better care of her by powdering her with mite stuff more often to protect her from them... and her eyes were then starting to close

i started to get a bit upset cause i was sad she was dying but also upset about not having done more to help keep her safe and healthy.

and then the part that all bird people know about - their 'last moments' - and i started to just bawl me eyes out, she started to flap her wings heaps - this was it. she was leaving this world.

and then about 10 seconds later she stopped, her neck arched and her eyes sealed shut for the last time.

poor sweetheart.

i know it's just a chicken, an animal, but at the end of the day, when you lose something or someone that you are used to having around, it fucking hurts.

i'm still pretty much close to, if not at the point of, tears just writing about it, but i figure it's just going to help me grieve it out of my system.

my only concern now is that Black is going to hide in her shed and not come out tomorrow morning fearing she is in trouble. whilst she was pretty chatty and stressed when i was sitting with Tails outside the chook yard, she went into her shed and stayed silent for the rest of the time, and she wouldn't reply when i called out to her, i peered in as best as i could and she just looked back at me....

so i'm thinking i'll have to regain her trust again as she might think i've killed Tails intentionally.

Tails had a good spirit about her, her feathers grew beautiful black specks and flecks on her back, she was very strong willed on her own and was happy to roam alone in the yard when i let them both out and even though she still didn't trust me, i still loved her as much as i love Black.

i'm sorry girl, i feel like i let you down, i'm sorry you passed away tonight, but i'm glad i was there to be with you in your final moments.

rest in peace sweetheart.

living the good life

been a little while since i've posted something... then a while since i've started a new blog.... so this is number 4....

i haven't really felt the need to post anything lately as things have been going pretty good..

not to say that i only use this damn thing to whinge and complain - who can forget the fact that "i rock!" ?? :-)

just a reminder - i do rock :-) a reminder for both me and you too!

for the most part, my head space is pretty good... i'm enjoying the new adventures that my life is bringing to me and i'm just going with the flow as best as i can - why worry about when things might go downhill - that's just wasting time whilst things are going great!

work is going really well - it's nice to have a handsome looking fella for a boss who is also really cool with me and who i am... sorted out my working week to being tuesday to thursday each week, back to 3x12 hour days like i was doing a couple of years ago. suits me down to the ground - no monday morning bad traffic to deal with, and no friday afternoon peak hour that starts from 1pm and lasts until after dark lol

had a lovely evening catching up with george, had a nice meal at a pub and got to flex my social skills. i like to think i'm getting better at it - though i know i have a ways to go just yet!

my medication frequency has changed so i am not cutting pills in half any more, thus no longer destroying the slow release coating on them... so it's one tablet every 2 days - i was worried about how i might feel this morning as yesterday was my first "off" day, and usually when i have forgotten to take my pill, i would be quite woozy and a bit dizzy the next morning - no such thing today which was great!

i got a reminder this week about how lucky i am to also have a health care card at the moment, cause it means my rego will be cheap this year, yay!!

all in all, i think i'm doing alright :-) i have some great friends around me and things are looking up very often, and i'm damn pleased about that - i'm finally getting rewarded for my efforts with fighting the good fights and pushing through painful situations, and i'm learning to be honest with myself too, which is a great thing to learn to do as it can certainly make daily life easier

i'm a good guy, and i want to help people see good in themselves - everyone deserves that :-)